Canadian Dreck

Avril. Ramona. Fucking. Lavigne. Badass. 
You heard me, Bitches

I was talking earlier about how some feel the Canadian Content Law props up weak artists and a case in point is Avril Lavigne. I realized today that I have been spelling her name wrong. Oops. Avril is from Belleville, Ontario which explains the French name. As every person who is forced to learn French knows, Avril* is the French word for April and must indicate she was born...hang on while I check her birth month...oh! my mistake she was born in September. Which pretty much nails, in a figurative way, what I dislike about this poseur. If your name is Avril, kindly have the decency to NOT be born in September.

If your name is Avril Ramona Lavigne and you are credited as a song writer kindly have the decency to write an actual song.

Avril's songwriting ability, where songwriting ability means literally changing a few words of an already written song on notebook paper decorated with pink goth skulls with bows, is debatable. In my opinion, I doubt she actually had much to contribute. The reason I doubt that is because of who else often gets song writing credit on her songs. Scott Spock, Lauren Christy and Graham Edwards, songwriters and producers and also known as The Matrix, hardly need help from teenage girls to write formulaic pop songs. They have not needed her help to write songs for a long line of other manufactured pop artists and they have managed to not need Avril to win seven Grammy nominations. I decided to look up the famous songs for which The Matrix is known and voila** jackpot!

"I'm With You", not a horrible song, credited Lavigne, solely, with the song writing everywhere I looked until I looked on The Matrix web site where they also claim credit. Who to, that's a tough one.

If you're described as a singer and you need Auto-Tune, kindly have the decency to NOT call yourself a professional vocal artist. If you need an audio processor to make your off key singing sound perfectly tuned, you shouldn't be tormenting us with your voice you should be tormenting your family, the ones who indulged your misplaced ambition in the first place.

All hail Auto-Tune, creator of perfect pitch and masker of frauds. Bless us with your balance and crystal clear tuning. Amen. What can Auto-Tune do for you? You've seen the dog on Auto-Tune? If not here's a link, I think it's too long. Much like this post. Everyone has seen "Charlie Bit Me", but have you seen it on Auto Tune? Here you go:

Be gone Princess of girlyemoskulls Darkness.

This is what googling "pink stripe skull bow" gets you.

*Lavigne or la vigne means "the vine" and interestingly poseur means "poseur" because, silly, it's a French word to start with. Maybe I need to offend everyone and start doing a French word of the day and today's word would be poseur. Which is ironic because I'm an anglophone pretending to know and presuming to define a francophone word which is pretty much what a poseur would do.

**Voila (Vi-O-la or Wah-LA in American) means "eureka". It's becoming apparent I might need to adopt a different style if I need to append a glossary at the end of a post.


A-Gran said...

Awesome post. Fuck Avril and auto tune. But seriously, mad props for not spelling it "viola." That always makes me picture someone bowing away while they're talking to me.

Frimmy said...

If I spelled voila wrong I would be taken out behind the poutine shack and blugeoned with curling rocks.

When I hear someone say "walah" it makes me laugh in an "I can't believe how fricking adorable that is"

I'm jazzed you liked it! =)

Anonymous said...

I think every Canadian hates Avril actually.


*waves hi*

Frimmy said...

Hi Ann =)

It's definitely one of the things that unites us!

A-Gran said...

Oh fuck. How are you supposed to pronounce it? I say, "Wah LAH." Teach me, Mistress Frimmy.

I JUST learned how to pronounce "syrup" correctly. It's supposed to be SIRup not Sirp. Also, roots are pronounced as it's spelled and not "ruts." as my hillbilly ass used to say it. It could be worse.... my mother has a fucking Master's Degree and will tell you the first President of this country was George Warshington. Hillbilly.

Frimmy said...

YOU say walah? That's adorable! Seriously.

It's more like...Vwah LAH.

You kinda have to say the v with the w.

Here, listen to this.

One of the examples is:

Les costumes d'autres et voila

(Loosely I believe it means "the other costumes are here")

The way he says "voila" at the end is the accent I know.

Some say VWah-Lah, some say Vwah-law

The VW sound is what confuses people who aren't around French a lot. It can easily sound like Wahlah.

As for ruts/roots, I can't comment since you think I say "hoose" and "aboot". And I don't. I don't have an accent. Not one bit.

A-Gran said...

The biggest difference in our accents is that you enunciate "oo" words and I turn them into "u" words. My Os always get a little "u" in there but I'm always trying to speak better. You know, I remember that I used to pronounce it as "vwa lah" and I stopped for some reason. I'll resume now that I know that's proper. Just like that. VOILA!

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