Monday, September 26, 2011

Kidneys, preparing them for recipes

Hello? Organ meats are called "offal". Is this some kind of attempt at ironic marketing?

Lamb, ox, veal or pig kidneys are very versatile but make sure they are fresh. [because buying stale kidneys would be so much worse] They should be a nice brown colour and feel firm, dry and plump. [dry?] Prepare them by removing any white membranes that may still be attached and the hard core and wash thoroughly. [any animal part that has to have its membranes and hard core removed before eating is not fit for human consumption] Pig’s and ox kidneys are rather strong in flavour [meaning: smells and tastes like urine at this point] so, like liver, will benefit from soaking in milk for a while before cooking.


Here someone is preparing to ruin a perfectly good steak and onion by preparing it with kidney. See how they put that poor bay leaf on there like it is supposed to somehow make up for what's about to happen? It would be even funnier if there was a lemon there. Stop it, you eaters of offal! Dressing it up with a lemon only causes the lemon to fall into a depression.



I can assure you from personal experience that no amount of soaking in milk will change the fact that a kidney processes bodily impurities and produces urine. If you forget this, the smell of the kidneys will bring this home to you like a baseball bat in the face while standing in an outhouse.


This is what I mean by depressing the lemon. No amount of dressing up will change what this hideous dish actually is. You can't fault the lemon, it's trying, you can tell


We won't even go into the rubbery, yet chalky, texture when you try to chew it without gagging and getting slapped in the back of the head by your mom. I curse my parents for growing up in UK families.

Update: I just spoke with my mother, and by spoke I mean texted, and she says she never removed a hard core from the kidneys when preparing them. It sounded like she did not know to what I was referring. That might explain a lot. Will it get me to try kidney again? Are you out of your mind?!

2 comments:

Heidi said...

The only organ meat that I like is chopped liver with egg and onion.

Noelle said...

When there is just so much of the animal that's good eats, why?
If it needs disguised we probably don't have to eat it.
Our restaurant has a sauteed chicken liver dish that's delicious but they're breaded and pan fried in bacon grease and served with sauteed mushrooms and parmasean cheese. You don't feel like you've blown your diet at all.
I like braunschwiger also but with Mayonnaise and onion.
I can't say I've ever eaten a kidney but I don't I would like it if Andrew Zimmer describes it as strong mineral and earthy I'm gonna pass.