Frimmy, The Bumbling Humahn

Everyone else's house

My house, sort of [photo acquired here]

I sometimes wish my alien overlords would grow weary of the silly games they play on me for laughs. I am the bumblingest, clumsiest mess maker there is and I know it's their fault. I start out to do something simple like grab a square of paper towel and while I use the energy needed to tear off an entire piece, only a corner of the paper personally grasped by my fingers comes away. Over and over. Until I step up to the paper towel holder, grasp the roll in one hand and tear with the other. Even then, there are no guarantees for a pristine perfect square.

Right now I have these 'dial-a-sheet', loser, paper towels. The kind where you only pull off what you need. The sheets are perforated in tiny, useless lengths that you would use to wipe up a drop of tea and you're supposed to be able to tear off what you need in smaller or larger lengths. Right. First, I don't make small messes. Only large, extra large, jumbo and bloody apocalypse sized messes. So naturally these sheets tear off at the 'one drop of tea ladylike mess' size. Today I was trying to clean the debris off my stove top - a good five sheet sized mess - and they came off the roll in predictable increments of one. When I attempted to ball the five separate sheets up in to one big wad, they dropped two at a time into the sink. My idea was to use one to wrap the others. The aliens were disinclined to assist with that. Wad three, drop two. Pick up two, two others drop while picking up the other two. I admit I lost my patience with that situation but the bottom line is the debris was removed. And dropped on the floor. Where I should have just thrown it since everything ends up there anyway.

This happens at work in a different way. We used industrial paper towle rolls. The kind made of tenderized, brown, paper bags. A length of paper towel will tear away in two different malicious ways. The tiny hunk that my fingers are touching tears away or, and this is hilarious for the bakers and the alien overlords, a strip will start to tear and continue to rip up the centre of the roll until I grow tired of the game. Then I will step up to the dispenser, hold on to the base paper towel roll and tear away only what my fingers are holding.

Laugh it up, aliens. I refuse to lose my patience. Recently I attempted to make egg salad sandwiches and failed every step of the way, but did I end up with egg salad sandwiches? Yes. So FU alien overlords.

Just now I started making ceasar salad dressing when I realized I was out of vegetable oil. I had made it into mayo from my egg salad making episode of doom. So I thought I'd use the mayo for the dressing. Same ingredients so why not? Well naturally - literally, naturally because I didn't use a whole lot of preservatives like the commercial brands do - the mayo was bad. So when I went to get rid of it, using a spoon to plop it into the sink with the intention of diluting it with hot water and rinsing it down the drain, the bowl of the spoon was angled just right and it turned the stream of water from the tap into a rooster tail of bad mayo and water arching across the kitchen and all over the floor. 

Grab paper towels one square inch at a time...and the cycle begins again.


iambriezy said...

I had that EXACT day today. If it helps, this made me laugh.

Frimmy said...

It helps a lot, actually. :)

Tonya said...

Your overlords are having a lot of fun at your expense.

Angie said...

This is a normal occurrence for me, so don't feel bad. I am the messiest OCD person you'll ever meet. At my house, cooking and baking are experiments in bio-hazardous cleanup operations

Frimmy said...

Angie, that's so comforting to know. Messy OCD person doesn't pigeon hole very well. I've considered redoing my kitchen to be all tile walls and floors with a drain in the middle of the floor so I can just hose the kitchen down when I'm through creating delicious meals that look like I need disaster relief intervention.


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