This chat is a coup considering my long-standing and public love for his writing. On the blogs I knew about. He has diverse interests it would seem. Music. Movies. Books. History. Sports. He thinks he's boring. If you read comments on this blog you will have noticed he swoops in here every once in a while, drops something interesting and/or enigmatic, and vanishes. Is he interesting because he's enigmatic? Is being mysterious part of the attraction? Can 'boring' be interesting? You tell me.
How do you feel knowing I have your fate in my hands?
Why are you here today?
Because you said you were doing a series of Q&A's with your friends and I was tickled that you would ask me. And I thought it would be fun. And I like talking about myself.
Describe yourself in two words.
What is your idea of fun?
Getting incredibly drunk and watching sports. The best time I had lately was slamming beers and watching my favorite team the Vikings get beat in the playoffs. And ranting on Twitter about it. Pathetic yes. Once upon a time my favorite thing was playing Halo online but I had to give that up because it was like crack. I was in danger of becoming a Chappelle character.
What items do you have within reach at this moment?
Coffee cup. Phone. Computer mouse. Pen for writing notes to myself which I then tape to the wall. Scotch tape for taping said notes to wall. Game controller because I like to play Tetris and Frogger in between pitiful attempts at writing. Plastic bag full of foam ear plugs because I would go insane if I didn't block out the noises in my building. Couple books.
Do you carry anything with you someone else would find unusual?
No I don't carry much with me. Just wallet, keys, phone. Did you mean physically or psychologically? Cause the second thing is a whole other bag of fish.
What is your favorite color?
Color of money.
What are your most favorite and least favorite foods?
I am boring food-wise. Cheeseburgers. I like a nice thick pink-in-the-middle hunk o' meat between two pieces of toasted bread with a really fat slice of onion in there. And sometimes lettuce. Pizza also. I am not a foodie. Least favorite foods? Fish. Can't eat fish. Can't stand the smell of fish. Also don't like anything with barbecue sauce on it. I just don't like the taste of barbecue sauce. Sorry world.
Wait, is vodka a food? If yes I want to change my answer.
Do you have any phobias?
My idea of a nightmare would be getting trapped inside or under something and not being able to move. The thought of that makes me want to run screaming out the door. But I don't know if it qualifies as a phobia. Imagining that too hard makes me sick but I'm not claustrophobic. I can stand in a closet for hours without any difficulty as long as I don't imagine the house collapsing on top of me. Heights also make me queasy but again not a phobia. I don't lose it when I'm up high, I just get very uncomfortable. These do not qualify as phobias just little fears. So I guess I have no phobias. Those people who are terribly afraid of clowns and oranges, they just make me laugh. That's just stupid. Those people are just psyching themselves out cause they think it makes them interesting. I'm gonna tell the TV guy all about my irrational fear of cotton balls! Get a hobby dumb-ass. Oh, I should say I have some kind of social anxiety disorder. Is that a phobia? Peoplephobia? Vodka generally takes care of that though.
What is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?
I have never eaten anything weird.
Have you ever been told you look like someone famous?
No but funny story. In Walmart once some guy told me I looked like his brother. He was just sort of lingering by me. Weird guy in overalls and no shirt. That kind of guy. Walmart denizen. And he just all of a sudden says "You look exactly like my brother." And gets kind of misty-eyed. And I'm just like, "Great." And I walk off cause I just want to be away from this person. I wish I had thought to say something witty like, "Your brother is George Clooney???" But no. I can't remember anyone saying I looked like a famous person. When I was a kid this one mean bastard said I looked like Spanky but he was fucking with me. I don't know what happened to that person. I hope he was eaten alive by lions.
[Why do we always think of the best things to say after the fact?]
Coolness. I am insanely cool.
Work. I don't need to explain why. Maybe I should say "the need for money." But that would be the same thing.
Did you ever run away from home? Why/why not?
Every kid runs away from home even if they only get three blocks before starting to cry and running back. Every kid gets in some kind of fight with mommy and tries to make her feel guilty. I think when I was a kid I stayed over at a friend's house one night without calling home. That was my entire career as a rebellious teen. I have too much of a passive nature to rebel. Unless I drink too much vodka, then I become a horrorshow. But I didn't know about vodka when I was 12. I wish I had. I would have no brain cells left by now but I would be 100000% happier.
Have you ever done a good deed in secret?
If I ever did a good deed I would want everyone to know about it. What's the point of being kind if you can't brag? But I am a horrible self-centered evil person so it never comes up.
Name one funny trait you have that you would like others to know.
You know that thing where people make a farting noise with their armpit? I can do that with my eye. I'm doing it right now while typing one-handed. When I say "do that with my eye" I don't mean I have an empty socket or anything. I can do it with the area around my eye. That's a better way of describing it.
Share one truth and one lie about your personality and let us guess which is what.
I am incredibly prickly. I have an ebullient nature.
Tell us something you hate doing. Why?
Dealing with other human beings. Because I am insanely shy and the world causes me intense anxiety. I wish I could just hide from everything all the time and live inside my own mind. But sometimes you have to take the car in for repairs or go to the library cause your internet got shut off. Again, vodka helps.
What's your pet peeve?
Little Larry David kind of things like people not covering their mouth when they cough or whistling in your ear while you're in line at the grocery store or just being rude in public. Assholes with their cell phones out in the movie theater. I want to stick a knife in those people. I guess that's more than one. I don't have one main one. I have like a million ones that are all tied for first. I am filled with hate.
Have you ever been in jail?
No and I resent the question. Just kidding. I hope if I ever do go to jail it's for something cool like protesting.
Name one thing that drives you crazy.
When people won't just tell you what the hell they want from you if they want something from you. I think I probably do that too cause I'm shy and hate asking for things. But I kind of wish I could wave a magic wand and make all the bullshit between me and other people go away so we could just talk honestly for once about everything and not worry about getting all upset with each other. I'm insecure though so I would probably flip out if anyone ever told the total truth. Most of the time it's easier than you think though. Cutting the crap isn't that hard if you just nut up a little.
What's the one thing you can't live without.
Something new to think about every day. Without new stuff going into my brain I would die inside. I feel sorry for people who live in sad little unchanging worlds. This may seem weird because I live a sedentary life, barely leaving my apartment. On the outside it probably seems like I don't change much ever. But inside I'm always changing. Thinking new things. Arguing with myself. Changing my mind about stuff. Looking at things from new angles. Drinking in ideas and thoughts. I pity "conservative" people who just want the world to forever be like their mommy and daddy told them it was. Who feel threatened by any new way of looking at the universe. Who live in denial of science and philosophy and ideas simply because they are too stupid to understand and it bothers them and they are afraid that the world isn't what they were taught to believe when they were 7. Just let it go. Everything is changing all the time and it's not a bad thing. It's good. It makes life interesting. It doesn't matter if some scientist comes along and tells you everything you know is wrong. That's the coolest thing that can happen. Embrace it. Use your brain for something other than hating politicians and loving Jesus.
What's your motto in life.
Smart people look it up, idiots make it up.
If you could have an unlimited storage of one thing what would it be.
I wish I could be Woody Allen and have an inexhaustible supply of story ideas. Which he literally has. Pages and pages of story ideas he's thought up over the years. A whole drawer stuffed with them. He could live another 100 years and never run out of movie ideas. I would like for my brain to be an idea machine like that. Like Dan Harmon and Louis CK and those people. I'm not sure that was what you meant by the question but fuck it. I felt like saying that instead.
What technological wonder would you like to see in the future.
A space ship that can go to the Andromeda galaxy in five seconds
What do you do in your free time.
When I had internet I would just be on the internet the whole time. Now I'm using my phone to mess around with you and the other cultists...and I'm tweeting about sports because I write a football blog and enjoy messing around on Twitter with my Twitter sports nut peeps. I should spend more time doing the "real writing" I keep telling myself to do but I'm too damn lazy and can't think of any stories. Also I watch a lot of TV shows. I'm one of those rent-the-DVD people who will watch a whole season of a show in four-or-five episode binges. I blew through the first season of Hill Street Blues recently. This is not interesting.
What is your all time favorite comedy movie.
Duck Soup. Love the Marx Brothers.
Which was the last movie you've watched.
Last night I watched the Woody Allen movie Anything Else because lately I've been on a Woody kick. That was one I hadn't seen. It was dreadful. Total dreck. His worst movie by about a hundred miles. Jesus God what a disaster. I could go on but why torture myself and you?
What country would you most like to visit and why.
France. I love French movies. I just want to walk around Paris and see if I recognize any random street corners or places from Godard. I just want to be French basically. I would learn French but I'm bad at languages. I can't learn a language to save my life and it pisses me off and makes me feel stupid. I can sort of follow French just from watching so many French movies. I wish I could turn the subtitles off.
What music do you like listening to.
I love shuffling. I love that my shuffle will play John Coltrane and then Bowie and then Stevie Wonder and then Johnny Cash. It teaches you that Music is Music. When you hear Stravinsky back-to-back with Eminem. At some point it no longer seems incongruous even though I suppose it is. So I guess I'm just all over the place. If I ever just throw on an album and listen to the whole thing through, it's usually Howlin' Wolf or Muddy Waters or John Lee Hooker or stuff like that. Laid back old blues. I keep meaning to get more into jazz cause I'm old and I think my brain just wants something without words it can sink into and bathe and relax. I don't need my adolescent bullshit stirred up anymore. I still love The Clash but I don't need The Clash. Also lately I've been into Jenny Lewis, she is such a great songwriter, so witty and clever. Rabbit Fur Coat slays me. I listen to that record a lot.
Has any movie, music or book made a big impact on you?
Um yeah. When I was a kid I read Stephen King a lot. Actually that was all I read. I'm not sure how old I was when I read The Stand the first time. Maybe 12? And it basically took over my whole imaginative life. It sent my brain into a post-apocalypse kick that it's never gotten out of. I don't mean like some obsession that spills over into life - I don't have enough of an attention span to become truly obsessed - I mean just from a "thinking of stories" point of view. My brain constantly gravitates back to that. It fucked me up for life, reading that book. And looking back on it now, it's not even that good of a book. Too convoluted and the morality is too childish and black-and-white. And the Bible stuff is dumb. The ending is horrid. Some of the characters are silly as shit. But when I was 12 that book was everything. From a grown-up loving writing point-of-view though, the book that did it to me was Faulkner's Wild Palms. First book I ever read that made me understand what real writing is. That showed me what words can really do to your brain. How they can intoxicate you.
What is something you do that others would find interesting.
I don't do anything interesting. Oh well I did used to write this celebrity blog. That's a boring story though.
|I totally laughed out loud when I saw this|