Confessions: When You Were a Kid...

Here's a funny meme going around. Funny because it brought back a lot of memories.

Actually, this is a proven scientific fact. What...? It is!

Do you remember some of your mixed up kid ideas of what was really going on in the world? I used to think songs on the radio were played by tiny bands hidden somewhere in the dash of the car. Of course that was when I was really little. So little I could stand on the hump on the floor of the back seat and my head didn't touch the roof of the car. Then I learned about radio stations. After that I believed the bands were at the radio station playing the songs we were listening to. Then I learned about recordings and that was the beginning of my disappointment with the world and how it really isn't very magical.

When my mother thought I was ready for The Talk she told me that babies came about when women and men lie close together. I couldn't understand how any transfer of seeds to eggs could happen like that so I pressed for more information but got nowhere. It was "special" and "sacred". Riiiiight. So naturally, I assumed some kind of magic occurred. Apparently she felt leaving out the essential detail, leaving me completely ignorant, was worth it for her comfort level. So my childish brain extrapolated from that, that somehow it was "nearness" that got women pregnant. So, from then on wherever I was, in the park, at the beach, in theaters, I was petrified women were getting pregnant due to their close proximity to men.

I had to figure it out for myself and that was before the internet. So, I relieved my mother of her heavy responsibility to educate her daughters by giving them heinous misinformation. God help couples if they actually enjoyed themselves while getting pregnant, that's not what sex was for! My mother's idea of sex turned out to be very similar to Margaret Atwood's description in The Handmaid's Tale, except without the onlookers and the lights on. Sterile and perfunctory and without joy. So, I tuned my sisters in. Being the oldest and having already unlearned what I had been told, I felt I could save them the stress and horror of my mother's idea of what was supposed to go on in the private lives of men and women. They all went on to have no children, so well done Frimmy!

Yeah, or else what was the point of having the key?

When adults pretended to take your nose, did you believe it? Did you think your face would freeze in contorted expressions? Or if you swallowed seeds a watermelon would grow in your tummy? Or that your creepy uncle was actually taking his finger off? My dad used to threaten us with his keys. He'd say he was going to unlock our belly buttons and then our legs would fall off and then we'd have to bum around. Well played, dad. When I got older I once told him that puns were the lowest form of humour and he laughed because nobody goes for the pun unless they're hoping for a huge groan.

What did you think was really going on when you were a kid?


iambriezy said...

I must have been a very suspicious kid, because I never bought any of that shit.


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